


Danger is Not Knowing

by haikukitten



Category: MASH (TV)
Genre: Alpha B.J., Alpha Trapper, Alpha/Omega, Alternate Universe, Episode: s11e16 Goodbye Farewell and Amen, M/M, Mpreg, Omega Hawkeye, Omegaverse, Spoilers for s11e16
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-11
Updated: 2016-04-11
Packaged: 2018-06-01 14:51:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,469
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6524602
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/haikukitten/pseuds/haikukitten
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The war is about to end but Hawkeye Pierce is out of commission. Sidney helps him remember something important about himself.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Danger is Not Knowing

**Author's Note:**

> This might have a sequel, eventually. Liberal amounts of dialogue were taken from episode 16, season 11. Spoilers for that episode herein.

 

_They watch you from hiding:_

_you are a chemical_

_smell, a cold fire, you are_

_giant and indefinable_

_In their monstrous night_

_thick with possible claws_

_where danger is not knowing,_

_you are the hugest monster._

_-From “Cyclops,” by Margaret Atwood_

Sidney Freedman is always professional, even with close friends. He drives to the 4077th himself when he gets the call from Col. Potter. It wouldn’t do to have anyone else try to move Hawkeye, if he is to believe Potter’s grave description of the chief surgeon’s current state of mind. In truth, Sidney has been preparing himself for this since he first met Hawkeye Pierce.

 

During his time as a psychiatrist, Sidney has seen many strange things. He thinks he has seen most of those strange things at the MASH 4077th. Oddities there literally range from Maxwell Klinger, an alpha pretending to be an omega in an effort to receive a section 8, to Benjamin Franklin Pierce, an omega who spent the first nine months of his service in Korea masquerading as an alpha.

 

Hawkeye is the most interesting person Sidney has ever met. He is living proof that a person’s gender need not define them. The young captain is a notorious flirt with everyone he meets, and a great deal more intimate with most of them. At least, that’s how it was when Sidney first met the man, but that was before anyone at the 4077th knew the truth about his gender.

 

The secret as to how, exactly, Hawkeye had disguised himself as an alpha for so long is quite simple. Daniel Pierce, his father, is a physician himself and has provided his only child with prescription suppressants to dampen his natural scent and prevent him from going into heat since Hawkeye hit puberty. Hawkeye has been hiding his true gender since he was a child, and going to medical school to follow in his father’s footsteps put him on the right track to keep hiding. Then came the draft, and Hawkeye kept up his ruse even then until circumstances beyond his control made hiding impossible.

 

This isn’t the first time that Hawkeye has come under Sidney’s care. The last time the surgeon had an extended stay in psychiatric care, he was a mess, abused and heartsick and newly robbed of the disguise he’d been wearing for most of his life. But Hawkeye is resilient, and within a couple of weeks, Sidney had been able to send him back to the 4077th. Sidney hopes that this time will be no different.

 

But when he walks into the Swamp, where B.J. Hunnicutt and Charles Winchester are guarding their tent mate, Sidney knows that something is very wrong.

 

Hawkeye is lying in his cot, eyes puffy and red from crying but he’s not crying now. He’s just quiet, so quiet that it’s disconcerting. The other two doctors in the tent seem bothered by the silence as well. B.J. is up, pacing back and forth, but he pauses and forces a strained smile when Sidney steps inside. Winchester is sitting on his own cot sipping cognac, never looking in Hawkeye’s direction.

 

“Hey, Sidney.” Instead of the boisterous sort of welcome that Sidney has grown accustomed to receiving from these men, B.J.’s voice is subdued. He walks over, putting his body between Sidney and Hawkeye’s cot. “We had to sedate him. He hasn’t spoken to us since then.”

 

“You don’t say,” says Sidney, but he’s not surprised. Patting B.J. on the shoulder, he moves around the man and approaches his patient.

 

He sits down in the chair beside Hawkeye’s bed, facing the quiet omega. Hawkeye has always appreciated being spoken to directly instead of being discussed.

 

“Hello, Hawkeye. I understand you had a hard day yesterday.”

 

Hawkeye’s blue eyes are glassy. He smiles at Sidney, but it doesn’t reach his eyes. He doesn’t say a word.

 

“Okay, so you’re not talking,” Sidney acknowledges. “That’s alright. Listen, Hawkeye, your friends think that maybe you should come spend some time with me so we can have some one-on-one sessions and figure out why you’re upset. Do you think that would be okay?”

 

The smile drops from Hawkeye’s face and he glares at Sidney. He turns his head away, refusing to meet Sidney’s gaze.

 

“You don’t like that idea?” Sidney asks.

 

More silence. Winchester stands up and leaves the tent, apparently uncomfortable with being present for this. B.J. still hovers nearby, protective of Hawkeye. Sidney wonders how much B.J. has to do with Hawkeye’s meltdown.

 

“Like I said, he’s not talking,” says B.J.

 

Sidney notes the way Hawkeye is curled in his cot, his arms wrapped around his middle. A thought occurs to him but he hopes he’s wrong.

 

“Why don’t we step outside and talk.” Sidney guides B.J. out of the tent, though the other man seems reluctant to leave Hawkeye alone. “He’s okay for the moment, B.J. We won’t go far.”

 

B.J. relents and the two of them walk a short distance from the tent, close enough to keep an eye on its occupant but far enough away that Hawkeye won’t hear what they’re discussing.

 

“He was manic last night,” says B.J. “I couldn’t calm him down, Sid. You know we wouldn’t have sedated him if it wasn’t necessary. It’s going to take weeks to repair the officer’s club, not to mention the jeep. He’s lucky he didn’t get hurt.”

 

“What about the incident on the bus, you think that’s what caused this?”

 

“I know it is, but he won’t talk about it.” B.J. nervously rubs the back of his neck. He’s stressed, not in the best of mindsets himself. “We stopped asking him about it after we called you. I know the baby… the baby on the bus, that upset everybody. But Hawk, he just shut down.”

 

“The baby,” Sidney muses out loud. “I wonder why that hit him so hard.”

 

“Beats me,” says B.J. “I mean, he loves kids. Maybe it was just too much. He’s seen a lot of death here, but a baby…”

 

They decide that going back with Sidney will be the best thing for Hawkeye, though Sidney doesn’t like having to take Hawkeye away from his makeshift family. Sidney is pretty sure that he has to get the man away from the 4077th for a while if he wants to learn the truth.

 

Hawkeye is bundled in a blanket and B.J. leads him to Sidney’s jeep. A small group of friends see them off. Margaret kisses Hawkeye on the cheek and hugs him, tears streaming down her face which she ignores. Potter takes the omega’s hand in his and squeezes it, and murmurs to him that this is only temporary and Hawkeye will be back before long.

 

B.J. approaches his friend, tries to touch Hawkeye’s shoulder, but the omega shrugs him away. “Hawk, please. I’m sorry you’re mad at me but everything is going to be okay, I promise.”

 

“I’ll see to it that he is well taken care of,” Sidney promises. He bids them all farewell and starts the jeep for a long, silent trip with his patient and friend.

 

\--

 

_Hawkeye’s reaction to the news of Henry Blake’s death was predictable. Between the two of them, he and Trapper John drained the still in the Swamp. Frank was off comforting Margaret, thankfully, or Hawkeye might not have been able to resist the urge to pummel the little fink. Frank had already made a couple of remarks about being in charge now that Henry was gone and Hawkeye hated him for it._

_Henry was a friend, a good friend. A beta put in charge of three alpha surgeons, he’d never quite been able to stand up to his fellow doctors, despite ranking higher than all three of them. Frank chafed at being bossed around by a beta. Trapper ignored it unless Henry pulled rank on him. And Hawkeye, well, Hawkeye had never cared about a person’s gender. Henry was a good person and a good leader. Hawkeye already missed him like crazy._

_The death of his friend wasn’t the only thing bothering Hawkeye. He was out of his pills. The 4077 th kept omega suppressants on hand for local indigenous personnel, but the 4077th had run out and their stores had yet to be replenished. There was no way for Hawkeye to pursue getting those suppressants back in stock unless he told someone else the truth – that he needed those pills. That he was an omega, not an alpha like everyone thought. Right now, the only person who could help him was Frank and that was out of the question. Frank would sooner have him court-martialed than help Hawkeye get the medication that kept him sane._

_“To Henry,” Hawkeye declared, holding up his last glass of gin. Trapper’s glass was almost empty but he raised it in return and they toasted their fallen friend. Hawkeye gulped down the gin, his brain already clouded with alcohol and his body warm, almost feverish._

_“May there be plenty of good fishing holes in the next life,” Trapper John said. “Not to mention plenty of scotch.”_

_“That’s the States you’re talking about,” Hawkeye corrected him. “Although it is starting to feel like purgatory here.”_

_Trapper John leaned forward and inhaled deeply, his eyelids fluttering. Hawkeye should have noticed the way his friend was reacting to him, but he was drunk and sad and tired. It was his fault, really. He shouldn’t have let his guard down._

_Later, Sidney would insist that it wasn’t Hawkeye’s fault, but Hawkeye knew the truth. He knew that Trapper was in a vulnerable place too, and he shouldn’t have allowed himself to get so drunk when he had nothing to prevent his oncoming heat. Trapper couldn’t be blamed. It was all instinct for him._

_When Trapper kissed him, Hawkeye froze up. Through the haze of liquor, he knew he was in trouble. But he didn’t immediately pull away, because the truth was that he’d had feelings for Trapper John for a while now, and it was nice to be kissed by him. He closed his eyes for a moment and just let the feeling wash over him._

_He broke the kiss, pushing Trapper away with a hand on his chest. “Trap, we can’t do this. Don’t get me wrong, I… I don’t hate the idea. There’s just something about me that you don’t know.”_

_There was a gleam in Trapper’s eyes that unsettled Hawkeye. His friend moved to sit beside Hawkeye on his cot, touching his hand to Hawkeye’s face and breathing in his scent._

_“I think I know,” Trapper said. “Christ, Hawk, I can smell you…”_

_Hawkeye moved back from him. “Now, let’s not do anything we might regret, Trap. You have a mate back in the States, remember?”_

_“Never stopped me before,” Trapper reminded him and he followed his retreating friend until Hawkeye was pinned beneath him on the cot. “It’s alright, I won’t hurt you.”_

_“Damnit, Trapper, get off of me!” Hawkeye struggled to push his friend away but he was dizzy drunk and the tent was spinning as it was. “Listen to me, I don’t want to do this. You’re drunk. Hell, I’m drunk. Look, just get off and we’ll forget about this, okay?”_

_Needless to say, Trapper didn’t stop. Helpless beneath a man he’d once trusted with his life, Hawkeye felt something inside of him snap._

_\--_

“I remember this place.” Hawkeye is back to manic babbling by the time he is examined and assigned a room at the psychiatric ward. “I remember this place and I don’t need to be here. Nothing is wrong with me. I need to be at the 4077th, treating patients! I’m not crazy, Sidney, you know I’m not crazy!”

 

Sidney is patient and kind with his friend. “No one thinks you’re crazy. Think of this as a vacation, a chance to relax and heal.”

 

“A vacation!” Hawkeye throws his hands in the air as he stalks the perimeter of his room. “This isn’t a hotel room in Tokyo, you know! For one thing, no one’s ever locked me inside a hotel room before. Not to mention, the décor here is terrible! It’s not exactly a high end establishment.”

 

Perched on the bed in the room, Sidney smiles a little at Hawkeye’s outrage, knowing that it’s just the omega’s way of dealing with a situation that he can’t change. Humor has always been his escape.

 

“The sooner we talk about what’s bothering you, the sooner we can make you feel better and send you back to work,” he says. “We could talk about what happened yesterday, maybe that would help us figure out what’s going on with you. What do you say?”

 

“I don’t see what the big deal is.” Hawkeye sits down but he’s still refusing to look Sidney in the eye. “It was just a bus ride. That’s all it was.”

 

“Nothing unusual happened?” Sidney asks.

 

“Nothing unusual, unpredictable, undesirable or unexpected,” Hawkeye insists. “It was just a bus ride, like I said.”

 

Sidney thinks that Hawkeye believes what he’s saying. He’s not lying but he’s also not facing the truth. He believes that Hawkeye needs to face what he’s avoiding in order to heal from the experience.

 

“Okay, let’s talk about your medical exam this morning,” he says. “Have you noticed anything strange about yourself lately? Maybe nausea, irritability, changes in weight…?”

 

Instead of responding, Hawkeye’s expression becomes distant. He stands up again and returns to pacing. Sidney waits for the omega to speak again first.

 

“The bus ride, the bus ride was fine,” Hawkeye says, as though Sidney never asked about his health. “I don’t know why everyone’s so upset about it! It really was fine.”

 

“Okay, can we talk about it?” Sidney asks, deciding to let Hawkeye off the hook about the exam if the omega isn’t ready to face that particular problem. He’s now certain that the two incidents are connected.

 

It came as no surprise to Sidney when the physician who examined Hawkeye discovered he was pregnant. About four months, apparently. Hawkeye is starting to show, though it’s not visible when he’s dressed. Sidney doubts Hawkeye missed the pregnancy symptoms. Combined with the incident on the bus, he thinks Hawkeye has just decided it’s too much to deal with and has pushed it away.

 

“How would you feel about B.J. visiting you this evening?” Sidney asks. “Would that be alright?”

 

“Alright?” Hawkeye echoes. “Is he taking me back with him? Have you all realized what a mistake this is, so now you’re letting me go after all?”

 

“Not quite.”

 

“No, I thought not.” Hawkeye pauses in front of the locked door and stares at it. “No one believes that I know how to take care of myself. Not even you, Sidney, you think I’m an invalid too. Nobody ever treated me like this when they thought I was an alpha!”

 

Ah, thinks Sidney, he’s hit the right nerve. “Is that what you’re upset about, Hawkeye? The fact that you’re not an alpha?”

 

Hawkeye swings around and fixes him with a murderous glare. “You think I’m upset that I’m not an alpha? You think I feel inferior somehow because I don’t have the same parts as everybody else? Have you ever wanted to be an alpha, Sidney?”

 

“No,” Sidney admits. “Then again, I’ve never pretended to be anything other than a beta.”

 

“You think I was just _pretending_?” Hawkeye splutters, enraged. “I did that to survive! You wouldn’t know what that’s like. If I hadn’t _pretended_ to be an alpha, I never would have gotten into medical school!”

 

“You could have gotten out of the draft if you’d told the army the truth,” Sidney points out.

 

“Yeah, and lose my license, not to mention my freedom!” Hawkeye snaps. “War is hell, but at least there was a chance I could get out of this place and go home. Everything would have gone back to the way it was. Now? I don’t know what’s waiting for me at home now. I don’t know if they’ll let me stay with my father or ship me off to some other institution, especially if they can say I’m crazy!”

 

It’s easy to hear the fear in Hawkeye’s voice. Sidney understands. In fact, Hawkeye is right to be afraid. Nothing is ever going to be the same for him.

 

“I’m going to do my best to keep that from happening,” he tells Hawkeye, hoping the other man can recognize his sincerity. “Hawkeye, you are my friend and I am going to do what I can to make sure you go home to your father. But you have to let me help you.”

 

Hawkeye has himself worked up into a frenzy now. “Oh, sure. You know, that’s what everyone tells me. Maybe I don’t need that much help. Maybe I just need to be respected as the adult, _sane_ person that I am.”

 

“Do you feel like others don’t treat you like an adult?” Sidney asks, curious.

 

“Are you kidding me?” Hawkeye scoffs. “B.J. would tie my shoes for me if I let him. No one takes me seriously, not since they found out. If I’m such a child, how am I supposed to…”

 

The omega trails off and sits down on his bunk. “I don’t want to talk about this anymore.”

 

“Okay, what would you rather talk about?” Sidney asks, letting it slide. Hawkeye has to be guided towards his truths, not forced there. “The bus, maybe?”

 

“Sure, sure, anything you want.” Hawkeye has that distant look in his eyes again. “Maybe later?”

 

Sidney nods and stands up. “Try to rest, Hawkeye. We can talk more tomorrow.”

 

He doesn’t get an answer. Hawkeye just lies down on his cot and curls in on himself again, hand once more resting on his middle, as though his body knows about the extra passenger even if Hawkeye is mentally blocking it out.

 

If nothing else, maybe Sidney can get his friend sent home. Even the army can’t be cruel enough to keep a pregnant omega on the front lines, regardless of how good a surgeon he is.

 

\--

 

_Trapper’s weight smothered Hawkeye, made it hard for him to breathe. He thought about how he’d always had a problem with tight spaces. He thought about anything besides what was happening to him in that moment. It was lucky that he’d gotten so good at blocking out discomfort. But he had to wonder if he’d be able to handle his claustrophobia after this._

_In his life, Hawkeye had been with many lovers. Sex had always been both a refuge for him and a rebellion. He’d been with men before but had never let a man go as far as this. He’d played the part of an alpha for so long that sometimes he almost forgot the truth himself, but the uncomfortable presence of Trapper inside of him reminded him._

_When Trapper first pushed into Hawkeye’s body, Hawkeye had shouted with the pain, had broken down and sobbed and begged his friend to stop. There was a part of him forever altered by that initial penetration. Why did it have to be Trapper? It could have been anyone else in camp, even Frank Burns, and it wouldn’t have been as bad. But Hawkeye loved Trapper and that made this even harder._

_Now, his voice was hoarse but tears still coursed down his face, dampening the pillow beneath him as he waited for Trapper to finish._

_After what seemed like ages, Trapper finished and rolled off of him. The alpha stumbled back over to his own cot without bothering to right his clothing and passed out._

_Hawkeye waited until he was certain that Trapper was out of it before he tried to get out of bed. The pain was dizzying and the alcohol was still making the tent spin, but Hawkeye forced himself to stand and wrap himself in his bathrobe. He stumbled out of the Swamp, intending to head for the showers._

_Before he made it that far, someone stopped him. Hawkeye recognized Nurse Kellye when she put her hand on his shoulder. She was looking at his bruised face and saying his name, but Hawkeye didn’t respond to her. He just stood where he was, unsteady but determined, and didn’t listen to the questions she asked him._

_He let her lead him to the OR. Part of him knew, even then, that the cat was out of the bag. At least Margaret had the good sense to call Sidney Freedman before Frank got on the horn to tell everyone in this man’s army the truth about Benjamin Franklin Pierce._

_The truth was very simple. Hawkeye wasn’t an alpha, never had been, and now he’d been put in his place by the best friend he’d ever had. Trapper was morose the next morning but Hawkeye couldn’t bring himself to care. He couldn’t face the man now, a man he’d once harbored intimate feelings for, who had reduced him to less than nothing._

_\--_

“How are you feeling?”

 

“Great. How are you? You look a little thin, don’t you?”

 

“How have you been sleeping?”

 

“On my back.”

 

Hawkeye laughs at his own joke, something he does both inside and outside of psychiatric facilities. “The beds are terrible here, you can feel the springs right through the mattress.”

 

Sidney nods in agreements and says, “Yesterday you were going to tell me about that day at the beach.”

 

“It was great. Very hot. A lot of people say too much sun is no good for you. And, you know, carcinomas can result from that. This, of course, would concern me as a physician.”

 

“I’d like to get back to the beach.”

 

“Hey, go ahead, take the rest of the day off.”

 

Sidney cracks a smile. “How were you feeling that day? Did you feel unusual in any way?”

 

The omega balks at this. “You know I really should be allowed to go home! There’s nothing wrong with me!”

 

The conversation goes from there and by the time they’re interrupted by an orderly, Sidney is grateful for the distraction. It’s been a week since he brought Hawkeye in, and progress has been pretty slow. Well, it’s slow for a war, at any rate. Back in the States, Sidney would have set aside several months for Hawkeye’s treatment and rehabilitation, but the army wants its soldiers and he has to get Hawkeye back to the 4077th as soon as he can. They won’t be sending him home to the States after all.

 

Hawkeye is frustrated. It shows in his body language and the tone of his voice. He really does feel like a hostage, as he tells Margaret on the phone, and it’s hard to get the surgeon to talk about anything other than going back to his life.

 

Despite enduring multiple examinations in the past week, Hawkeye still doesn’t seem to notice that he’s pregnant. He’s doing an extraordinary job of blocking it out and if Sidney can’t get through to him about it, he could be a danger to himself.

 

Even in such a state, Sidney can’t help but grow fonder of Hawkeye. He has never met a stronger person in his life. Faced with things that might hamper his ability to do good in the world, Hawkeye simply shoves them aside and doesn’t think about them. His life has been spent repressing himself. It’s hard for him to know when to turn that off.

 

Later, a radio broadcast has Hawkeye bidding farewell to Sidney and calling a cab. Another difficult conversation ensues. But when he convinces Hawkeye to sit back down, Sidney thinks he sees a spark of understanding in the omega’s eyes. As much as Hawkeye wants out, he can’t explain away driving a jeep through the officer’s club and it makes him stop and think.

 

“Now, what happened on the bus?”

 

“Nothing. You’re wasting your time.”

 

“Well, you never know.”

 

“What can I tell you? We were having a real great time. We were laughing and we had a bottle… He needed the bottle.”

 

“Keep going.”

 

“He needed the bottle, so we gave it to him.”

 

Sidney ponders on why Hawkeye would repress the wounded soldier. Perhaps it triggers something else. Maybe it just makes Hawkeye think about his own mortality, and how it is inescapably tied to the life he is currently fostering inside of him.

 

Hawkeye can’t deal with the responsibility of it. He’s been goofing off and chafing at authority for so long now, being a parent must feel impossible. It seems like he’s determined to avoid the word “baby” completely, especially considering that he calls the baby from the bus a “chicken” instead.

 

They’re getting closer, though. Sidney can see it starting to come together for Hawkeye, albeit against his will. Now, Sidney’s starting to worry more about the fallout from all of this.

 

\--

 

_What felt like a lifetime ago, Sidney had found himself called in for consultation on Hawkeye Pierce’s first confinement in a psychiatric ward. Hawkeye still used humor as deflection, but it was hard for him to deflect the obvious, which was that his alpha tent mate and best friend had sexually assaulted him in his own cot. Up until then, even Sidney himself had believed that Hawkeye was an alpha._

_That time too, there’d been a pregnancy scare. Hawkeye had been unreachable until it was concluded that he hadn’t conceived, and even after that, he was distant. He wasn’t pregnant but the word was out that he was an omega, thanks to Major Burns. The army wasn’t discharging him, they needed him too badly, and since he was a good surgeon and he wasn’t pregnant, they sent him back to the 4077 th._

_Sidney sent that boy back to his unit knowing that it was going to be the death of him. It probably would have been, with Majors Burns and Houlihan watching him like vultures waiting for their prey to give in to its wounds. But a small miracle saved the day and Captain B.J. Hunnicutt turned up on the same day, a smiling, jovial mated alpha who took up with Hawkeye from the start. B.J. was better for Hawkeye in a lot of ways. Hawkeye was distraught over Trapper’s leaving but it was for the best, Sidney thought. Some things could be fixed in time, but Sidney didn’t think Hawkeye and Trapper would ever be able to carry on a healthy friendship after what transpired between them._

_\--_

_“Are you married?”_

_B.J. hummed in acknowledgment. He didn’t miss the flirtatious sparkle in Captain Pierce’s eyes, and he felt a twinge of guilt when he realized that he was smiling back at the cocky young man. He’d never been attracted to another alpha before but there was something about Hawkeye that B.J. couldn’t help but find alluring._

_“Did you bring your wife with you?” asked Hawkeye with a lopsided grin, and the invitation was pretty clear. B.J. would learn later that Hawkeye flirted with everyone, and slept with plenty of people too, but he was pretty sure that moment between them cemented something._

_“I thought I’d… come ahead and check it out. You married?”_

_As he spoke, B.J. looked Hawkeye over with appreciation. Hawkeye smiled back at him and said, “Someone’s gonna have to get me pregnant first.”_

_Such an odd thing for an alpha to say, B.J. had thought at the time. But everything about Hawkeye was odd and B.J. kind of liked it. He’d never met a person quite like Hawkeye before._

_“You, uh, play poker, Doctor?”_

_“I’m not very good.”_

_That flirty smile, the light that danced in those eyes when Hawkeye gave him a sultry look and said, “neither am I.”_

_\--_

“So, do you think I should tell him I’m going home soon? Would that throw him?”

 

B.J. hesitates outside of the door to Hawkeye’s room. He’s so excited to be going home but he knows Hawkeye won’t like it. It’ll be worse if he doesn’t tell him, though. If he just leaves without saying goodbye, like Trapper did, he’s not sure Hawkeye will ever forgive him.

 

It’s the hardest choice he has ever had to make. Over here, Hawkeye has become family to him. He has loved the man as deeply as he has loved Peg, loyal wife and mate, mother of his only child. And therein lies the crux of the matter. Peg and Erin need him to come home. Hawkeye will be okay in the long run. He’ll go back to Maine, probably work for his father, albeit as a nurse rather than a doctor. And one day, he’s really going to meet somebody that’s perfect for him.

 

Yeah, one of these days, some other alpha is going to sweep Hawkeye off his feet and B.J.’s going to get Christmas cards with photos of Hawk surrounded by children, loved, deliriously happy. He wants that for his friend. Really, he does. Well, it’s what he should want for Hawkeye, at any rate. Anything else is selfishness on B.J.’s part.

 

“Good question,” says Sidney. “Why don’t you just play it by ear?”

 

Sidney opens the door and there’s Hawkeye, wrapped up in his bathrobe, wide-eyed and ready to bolt at any minute.

 

“I brought you a present,” says Sidney.

 

“Hi,” says B.J. with a smile.

 

“Look at you,” says Hawkeye. “Just visiting or did your beanbag spring a leak?”

 

That self-deprecating humor is Hawkeye’s trademark. B.J. shrugs the comment off.

 

“I missed you,” he says instead.

 

Hawkeye gets quiet. “Yeah, me too.”

 

Sidney chooses this moment to leave them on their own. It’s a little intimidating to be alone with Hawkeye right now. B.J. doesn’t want to say or do anything that might make things worse for his friend. He and Hawkeye have been at each other’s throats for a few months now, really, ever since…

 

Yeah, well, ever since the night that didn’t happen, according to Hawkeye, and B.J. hopes it really is that easy for Hawkeye to forget their coupling and move on with his life. It’s sure as hell not easy for B.J. to forget. He’s been dreaming of it ever since it happened, can see Hawkeye’s smile when the man was lying naked beside him and they were both sated and basking in the afterglow.

 

He pulls out the flask that he brought along and Hawkeye humors him by fetching two metal cups from his bedside table. B.J. pours the liquor for both of them but Hawkeye just stares into his cup instead of drinking. Odd, B.J. thinks. He’d never expect Hawkeye to say no to a good stiff drink.

 

“How’s work?” asks Hawkeye, making small talk.

 

“We’re keeping busy.”

 

“Well, it’s a nice location. You get a lot of drop-in business.”

 

“I’ll be glad to give it all up and go home,” says B.J. and he means it. He’s so sick of war. Not as much as Hawkeye, he supposes, but Hawkeye’s been doing this a long time now.

 

It’s probably not the smartest thing he could have said. Hawkeye bristles, his eyes getting impossibly wider, and B.J.’s heart skips a beat.

 

“What makes you think you’re going home?” Hawkeye snaps resentfully. He puts his cup down.

 

“Well, you know, eventually. Someday we’re gonna’ get out of here.”

 

B.J. tries to change the subject, hoping that talking about Erin will ease the tension in the air. Hawkeye has always liked hearing about Erin, if not Peg. It backfires. He doesn’t know why, exactly, this line of conversation has bothered Hawkeye so much but it’s clear that Hawkeye is done talking to him and B.J. calls Sidney back in.

 

He should say goodbye. He knows that he should. This might be the only chance he gets.

 

He doesn’t say goodbye.

 

\--

 

“You want to tell me what you and B.J. were talking about?”

 

“Same thing he always talks about.”

 

“What’s that?”

 

“Fingers, smiles, teeth. Booties.”

 

Sidney has had his suspicions about B.J.’s part in all this. He doesn’t think it’s a coincidence that Hawkeye doesn’t want to talk babies with his fellow doctor, whether Hawkeye realizes it or not. He also doesn’t think B.J. knows about the pregnancy. Maybe that’s why Hawkeye blocked it out in the first place. It’s easier for both of them if the baby just doesn’t exist.

 

It’s never easy when a patient finally recovers the memories they’ve suppressed. Sidney doesn’t like making Hawkeye remember when it’s clearly so painful for him. But he keeps Hawkeye on course until the omega finally says it out loud.

 

“It was a _baby_! She smothered her own baby!”

 

Hawkeye curls in on himself and sobs. “You son of a bitch. Why did you make me remember that?”

 

“You had to get it out in the open. Now we’re halfway home.”

 

For a while, he just sits by Hawkeye’s side and lets the other man cry it out. They’re not done yet, though. There’s still a baby that Hawkeye hasn’t let himself face.

 

“When you realized she’d killed the baby, Hawkeye, how did that make you feel?”

 

Hawkeye struggles for the words, as though it hurts him to speak them. “I couldn’t believe it. I couldn’t believe a mother could do that to their own child. I could never…”

 

“You could never hurt your baby like that?” Sidney suggests gently.

 

The lost expression on Hawkeye’s face is terrible to behold. The omega’s hand is resting on his middle again, and Hawkeye seems to realize it for the first time. He looks down at it, cupped against his slightly swollen middle. He starts to tremble.

 

“I didn’t want it to be true,” he whispers. “So I just ignored it. Part of me was hoping it would just go away, you know? And then, on the bus… I thought, that’s not what I meant. I don’t want it to die. I never…”

 

Sidney bears silent witness to the omega’s sorrow as Hawkeye cries into his hands.

 

“And B.J.’s the father?” he asks after a while.

 

Hawkeye nods but looks up at him with desperate, bloodshot eyes. “Beej doesn’t know, so please don’t tell him. He’s got a family to go home to, he can’t know about this. It would ruin his life.”

 

“It seems to me that B.J. can make his own decisions regarding what will and won’t ruin his like, Hawkeye,” says Sidney. “You’re both consenting adults. Adults have to face the consequences of their actions. B.J. knew what he could be getting himself into when the two of you became intimate. You shouldn’t be held solely responsible for the product.”

 

The surgeon just shakes his head, doing his best to dry his eyes with the palm of his hand.

 

“I’ll tell him someday, Sid. I just… I can’t do it right now. I can’t complicate things for him. He deserves to go home just as much as the rest of us, and if he knew about the baby, I… I’m afraid he’d do something he’d regret. It’s not the right time.”

 

“Okay. Just be careful and don’t let the right time pass you by.”

 

\--

 

_Hawkeye hadn’t gotten laid in months when things finally came to a head with B.J. The war was still dragging on, like it had been for the last eternity, and Hawkeye was lonely. Even though B.J. was around, and B.J. was great, Hawkeye felt isolated, and had ever since Trapper John left and Hawkeye came back to a unit that knew his darkest secret._

_He knew it was a bad idea. He knew that B.J. loved Peg. But home felt like it almost didn’t exist when you were stuck over here in Korea, and nights were big and empty. B.J. was missing his mate and child, and Hawkeye was tired of being alone in all of this. So it was inevitable that he and B.J. would fall into bed together._

_It was the second time in his life that Hawkeye let another person make love to him. It wasn’t as scary as he’d thought it might be, after Trapper. He’d enjoyed it. He would do it again, if given the chance. But it wasn’t right. It wasn’t the right thing for either of them._

_But after, when they were lying in bed together, smiling at each other, Hawkeye felt whole for the first time in his life. And god help him, he didn’t want to let go of that feeling._

_In the end, he asked himself how he would feel in Peg’s place, and found he couldn’t be the reason B.J. didn’t come home to her. So he made B.J. promise that they’d both forget it ever happened. And for a long time, it almost worked._

_It didn’t take a genius to recognize the symptoms of pregnancy and Hawkeye was a physician. What it boiled down to was Hawkeye just didn’t want to admit to himself that it was true. The middle of a war-torn country wasn’t a great place to terminate a pregnancy, not to mention that it was more dangerous for male omegas than for anyone else._

_He’d already made his decision. No way could he dump this in B.J.’s lap after calling everything off the way he did._

_Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad, taking care of a kid in Crabapple Cove. Raising kids was what would be expected of him anyway. They wouldn’t let him keep his medical license once he was stateside. He’d have at least one thing in the world that belonged to him._

_And he could only hope the child would be a beta, not an alpha or omega, because he wasn’t sure he could handle raising either. But Dad could help, surely between the two of them a kid could come out alright. Maybe the kid would be happy. Maybe the kid would have B.J.’s smile and how could he keep a child away from B.J. of all people? B.J. was wonderful, a caring and humorous and loyal friend. B.J. hadn’t done anything wrong. Not like Trapper did._

_Not like Trapper did. Hawkeye still couldn’t bear to think about what Trapper did._

_Two weeks, supposedly spent in Tokyo. Hawkeye had been in ward D for the first time, on suicide watch. Sidney had been there to put him back together. He would always love Sidney for that. And thank god, Jesus, Buddha, who the hell ever, it didn’t matter, whoever or whatever it was that kept him from bearing a child. When it was certain that he wasn’t pregnant, Hawkeye packed up his baggage, as carefully as a person can pack one’s mental burdens, and got on with his life._

_But life wasn’t the same. How could Hawkeye have thought it would be? He tried to chase the nurses and personnel, as energetic as ever. For him, sex was almost a form of meditation. He felt better when he was getting laid, that was all there was to it. But the skirts he’d chased before didn’t respond like they used to, and most of the time, Hawkeye’s pursuits ended in failure._

_Instead of having his pick of lovers, Hawkeye was off limits to betas and other omegas. It went against tradition, and besides, most of them just weren’t interested anymore. Hawkeye, who thrived on intimacy, pined alone in his cot. On the other side of the tent, B.J. smiled at him more and more, but B.J. was mated and married with a baby back home. Hawkeye could have gone for a guy like him, if things had been a little different._

_They took away Hawkeye’s suppressants, for whatever reason. Perhaps they thought Hawkeye might give birth to the next savior. Hawkeye thought they were lunatics. He tried to move out of the tent, thinking that if he and B.J. weren’t sleeping in the same place, the temptation would be lessened._

_Hawkeye had been so difficult in the week leading up to his heat. He’d known it was coming but there was nothing he could do to stop it, so he’d decided to just keep functioning as best he could. And B.J. came closer and closer until one night, Charles kicked Hawkeye out of the VIP tent and took it over for himself._

_The walk from the VIP tent to the Swamp was hellish for Hawkeye. He knew that if he looked B.J. in the face right now, there would be no walking away from that man. How could he be expected to resist?_

_So he didn’t resist. He didn’t make excuses to sleep elsewhere, or turn his face away when B.J. leaned in for a kiss._

_B.J. was such a gentle lover. Hawkeye was used to being dominant in sexual relationships, but it wasn’t hard to submit to his best friend._

_It was a mistake. He knew that when he woke the next morning next to another omega’s mate, and he was ashamed. He just couldn’t be the one who ruined B.J.’s perfect family. The war couldn’t force that on him too, not after everything._

_\--_

“Dear Dad,

 

How is Crabapple Cove? How’s the hospital? The Natal Care unit? I’m pregnant, by the way.”

 

Letter attempt number 47 lands near the other crumpled letters strewn in the yard by Hawkeye’s chair. He can’t push himself beyond “I’m in trouble, Dad.” How did you tell your father something like this? This was the man who had protected Hawkeye, had shown him how to hide his true nature. To tell his father of this ultimate failure seems an impossible task.

 

He is in trouble. He’s about to leave, about to go home. And when he goes, he’s taking his best friend’s unborn child with him.

 

It still doesn’t feel right, not giving B.J. the chance to know his own kid. Hawkeye doesn’t want things to be like this. B.J. deserves to know about the kid but Hawkeye is too scared to face him, in all honesty. B.J. might hate him for this one day, when he finds out. Hawkeye hopes not. He still loves the alpha, even though he knows it’s a lost cause. He can’t help it. Falling in love, as it turns out, is mandatory and Hawkeye never had a chance.

 

“Dear Dad,

 

I hope you will not be too angry with me for what I am about to tell you. I wish I could tell you in person but a letter will have to do. I fell in love, Dad. I don’t know how else to explain it. Anyway, to get down to brass tacks, I’m pregnant.”

 

This feels like a better starting place. Hawkeye decides not to crumple letter attempt number 48. He is pondering how to tell his dad about B.J. when he sees Sidney walking across the yard toward him.

 

“Time to hit the couch?” he asks. He’s gotten used to the sessions with Sidney and is starting to remember why he likes the guy so much.

 

“Actually, it may be time to hit the road,” says Sidney. “How would you feel about moving on?”

 

How does he feel about moving on? Hawkeye cannot begin to fully express how delighted he is to be going home. After all, they’re not going to send a pregnant omega back to the war. This is not exactly how he wanted things to go, but at least his extra passenger is buying him a ticket home.

 

“You just have the bellhop bring my pants and I’ll be on my way. Sidney, it’s been a pleasure. Soon as I get back to Maine, I’m gonna have a memorial lobster in your honor, cracked, of course. How about a little hug for the road?”

 

Beaming, Hawkeye stretches his arms out to his friend.

 

Sidney doesn’t look happy, for some reason.

 

“I hate to break this to you,” he says, “but you’re not going home. You’re going back to the 4077th.”

 

Hawkeye feels his heart sinking.

 

“Does this mean I’m not getting the hug?” asks Sidney.

 

“You’re sending a crazy man back to the place where he got crazy to start with?” Hawkeye snaps. Perhaps he’s being cruel but his hopes have just been dashed. With his condition, going home had seemed like a sure thing. “Are you out of your mind?”

 

The psychiatrist has the decency to look unhappy about all of it. “Look, you know when a soldier reacts to the stress of combat, we get him back to his foxhole as soon as we can. We have to get you right back to the O.R.”

 

“Listen, a couple of days ago, I fell all to pieces in there,” Hawkeye says desperately. “I thought we had more sessions?”

 

If he can’t go home, he’ll settle for not going back to the war.

 

“We’ve had them,” Sidney placates.

 

“So you’re just going to dump be back there?”

 

“Well, I’m going to drop in on you from time to time, see how you’re doing.”

 

“Why don’t we compromise?” Hawkeye suggests. “Send me back to a foxhole in Crabapple Cove. You can drop in on me there.”

 

“I’m afraid of lobsters,” Sidney says. “I’ll have the bellhop bring you your pants.”

 

So that’s it. Hawkeye’s not going home. How long are they going to make him stay here? Much longer and he won’t be able to hide his pregnancy anymore. Hell, he’ll be giving birth in five more months, are they going to make him have his kid at the 4077th?

 

It feels to Hawkeye like the war is never going to end. He’ll be stuck here for an eternity. His baby will be born here, grow up here, get shot at and killed like all the other kids here. Hawkeye will never see his father again. Life will never be normal again.

 

He tries to be happy that he’s going back to be with his friends, but he can’t quite manage to fool himself.

 

\--

 

_B.J. had taken an immediate liking to Hawkeye Pierce, sensing a kindred spirit the moment he laid eyes on the man. Hawkeye had given every impression of being a cocksure young alpha, naturally flirtatious and self-important._

_When Major Frank Burns made a snide comment about Hawkeye’s true gender in B.J.’s presence, the other doctor could not hide his shock. At first he didn’t believe it. Hawkeye was not an omega. He was like no omega B.J. had ever met. It couldn’t be possible that an omega had hidden for so long, in the midst of the army no less, without being found out._

_B.J. understood why Hawkeye wanted to hide. Omegas didn’t get drafted but they didn’t get jobs either. And they weren’t allowed in medical school. Hawkeye had probably been hiding his gender since he was a kid. That would explain why he was so good at pretending to be an alpha. As an omega, he never would have been able to become a doctor, let alone the accomplished surgeon he was now._

_The skill that Hawkeye possessed as a surgeon was likely the only thing that saved him when the truth came out. It was a scandal uncovered shortly after the 4077th’s former CO, Colonel Henry Blake, died in a plane accident on his way back to the States. B.J. found out later that Hawkeye’s furlough in Tokyo had actually been a stint in a psychiatric ward._

_All that and Hawkeye didn’t seem too broken up about it. His freedoms, such as they were in the first place, this being the army and all, had been further restricted “for his own good.” Hawkeye still ignored most orders directed at him and he tormented Frank Burns, a blustery alpha, as though nothing had changed._

_It took all of 24 hours for Hawkeye and B.J. to become fast friends. Upon finding out that Hawkeye was an omega, B.J. decided that he didn’t care. He was happily bonded to his omega wife Peg and they had their beautiful daughter, Erin. For all that people said omegas were a distraction, B.J. couldn’t see that having Hawkeye around could be anything but positive._

_It was common knowledge that Hawkeye was rarely serious about himself and not very forthcoming about his past, but when the omega did decide to share with someone, it was always a doozy. B.J. couldn’t help feeling admiration for the person who shared his tent. Hawkeye had guts, that was for sure._

_It took the situation with General Korshak for B.J. to realize that Hawkeye was in almost constant danger. The general came to the 4077th looking for a personal physician and did his best to carry Hawkeye back out as a war bride. Hawkeye had stood up for himself like a champ. He could have been court martial-ed for treating a superior like that but luckily General Korshak recognized Hawkeye’s value to the unit and relented. It had been a close call. B.J. was on guard after that._

_Of course Hawkeye Pierce was a hard guy to protect. The omega couldn’t, or wouldn’t, keep his mouth shut and it got him into plenty of trouble. But Hawkeye had a lot of friends and that kept him relatively safe from harm. Too many people would notice if he went missing._

_“If I don’t talk, I’ll go insane,” Hawkeye confided in B.J. “This whole war has me right on the edge, Beej, and all I’ve got to hold onto is my identity. Whatever else happens to me, I can’t let them take that away from me.”_

_And for all that it was a half-suicidal way to live life, B.J. couldn’t help loving him for it._

_\--_

“Where’s B.J.?”

 

“You just missed him. He went home.”

 

Hawkeye doesn’t have time to be mad at B.J. There are wounded to care for and the chaos of O.R. helps drown out his thoughts of his friend. B.J. probably had a good reason. Hawkeye is just too late. Like he was with Trapper. Trapper waited, but Hawkeye was too late.

 

Now they’re both gone and when he finally gets finished putting half-dead soldiers back together, Hawkeye is going to be really pissed.

 

“How are you doing?” Margaret asks him. She’s assisting him with the operation he’s about to perform.

 

“Fine. What could be wrong? I’m about to stick my hands into a kid whose insides look like raw meat loaf and I just found out my best friend went home without leaving me so much as a note.”

 

Damnit, he’d told himself was going to wait to lose it over B.J. until after his responsibilities to the wounded were finished. He’s about to operate on a kid and he’s trying not to bawl his eyes out over not getting a last goodbye from the man Hawkeye thinks he might have been happy spending the rest of his life with.

 

“He really felt bad about that,” says Margaret, like that makes it any better.

 

“Trapper left without a note too,” says Hawkeye. “Is it the war that stinks or me?”

 

He’s really not sure which one people want to get away from the most. Everyone seems to leave him in the end. His mom, Trapper, B.J., anyone who means anything, except for his dad. Hawkeye just wants to go home to his father and hide in Crabapple Cove for the rest of his life. He’d do anything to get out of here.

 

Maybe he’s a little too determined to get out. Maybe his life has started to feel less and less like it's worth living. He knows he should take care of himself for the baby’s sake, but if B.J. is gone, it just doesn’t feel worth it.

 

To top it all off, apparently some moron parked a tank in the middle of the 4077th and no one’s had the brains to drive the thing somewhere else yet, so the hospital is getting bombed by the enemy. Hawkeye doesn’t have the patience to sit and listen to people whine when the next bomb could blow up a room full of patients. Someone has got to do something.

 

So, while everyone else is hunkered down behind sandbags, Hawkeye takes matters into his own hands. He makes a mad dash for the tank, knowing that this could be the end of him. He drops down into the tank thinking about how the enemy could hit it while he’s still inside. Then he forces himself not to think about that anymore and just drives the damn thing away from the 4077th.

 

He returns to cheers but he sees the looks on Potter’s and Margaret’s faces. He’s not going to hear the end of this, he knows.

 

After the bug out, Margaret finds Hawkeye sitting with the wounded, looking small and tired. She sits down beside him and gives him a sympathetic smile.

 

“Remember when you helped me figure out if I was pregnant or not?” she asks him.

 

“Who could forget?” asks Hawkeye in return, forcing himself to smile back at her.

 

“Potter called Sidney,” she says. “You know, because of the tank. And, well, Dr. Freedman told the Colonel about your condition, and Potter told me.”

 

“I have a lot of conditions, Margaret, you’ll have to be more specific,” Hawkeye says wearily. He’s tired of being examined by everyone, judged and found to be lacking, when all he really wants to do anymore is sleep and forget all about the war and Trapper and B.J.

 

Margaret nods and says, “I know you’re pregnant, Pierce.”

 

Tears well up in his eyes, unbidden. Hawkeye puts a hand over them to hide his weakness from his colleague, but Margaret touches his shoulder, silently asking him to look at her, so he lowers his hand and lets her see.

 

“You have to tell B.J.” Margaret pulls him into an embrace, letting Hawkeye rest his head on her shoulder as she cards her fingers through his hair. “He deserves to know he’s going to be a father.”

 

Hawkeye shakes his head. “He’s already a father. I can’t mess that up for him. He should go home and be with Peg and Erin, and be happy. And hell, that’s where he is, and that’s a good thing. He was right to go. Compared to going home, saying goodbye to me wasn’t important.”

 

“What if he wants to be part of your life?” Margaret asks. “He’s your best friend. Are you going to cut him off, never talk to him again?”

 

“No, I’ll tell him one day,” Hawkeye says, like he told Sidney. “When the war is over, maybe. Or the baby is born. Whichever comes first, you know.”

 

“Oh, Hawkeye.”

 

Margaret kisses the top of his head. She’s a good friend, Hawkeye thinks. He loves this woman. It’s not the same as the love he feels for B.J. but it’s strong.

 

“We’ll still be friends, won’t we?” he asks her. “After the war?”

 

“Yes,” she says, getting choked up herself. “I don’t know where I’ll end up but we’ll keep in touch.”

 

For the time being, they’ll just keep each other going as best they know how.

 

\--

 

_B.J. was so tired of people talking about Trapper John. He couldn’t help it, he was jealous of his predecessor and all of the time he got to spend with Hawkeye before he went home. Trapper was a master joker, a good looking guy and an aces surgeon. He was Hawkeye’s best friend. He helped Hawkeye build the still. He was a founding member of the Swamp._

_Where did all of that leave B.J.? Did Trapper love Hawkeye as much as Hawkeye loved him? It was no secret that Hawkeye was in love with Trapper John. Everyone talked about how the two of them had been inseparable. B.J. didn’t want Hawkeye to be in love with someone else. It was selfish and unfair, but it was how he felt._

_And then there was the letter from Peg about how Erin had mistaken Radar for him. B.J. couldn’t cope with the knowledge that his own daughter had no idea what he looked like. Getting drunk seemed like a good way to drown his problems but the more he drank, the more he thought about how Trapper was the one who helped Hawkeye make that damn still._

_Punching Hawkeye had never been his plan but all of his resentment just bubbled over and he’d knocked the omega out of his way. He didn’t stay to see the look of hurt and betrayal in his friend’s eyes._

_He was so angry, and it scared him. So he kept drinking, trying to make the feelings go away, but they wouldn’t and he ended up breaking down in Col. Potter’s office with his head on Hawkeye’s shoulder._

_Hawkeye smiled at him and the sight of his bruised left eye made B.J. sick to his stomach._

_Later, Hawkeye said, “You shouldn’t be jealous of Trapper.”_

_It was late. Charles was asleep and they were talking quietly to one another from their respective cots._

_“I’m not jealous of Trapper,” B.J. denied. “So, he got to spend time with you before I did, so what? He’s not here now and I am.”_

_Hawkeye was quiet for a while. Then he said, “I loved Trapper.”_

_B.J.’s heart constricted. “I know.”_

_“No, you think you do, but you don’t,” said Hawkeye, looking at B.J. with dark, serious eyes. “I loved him but nothing ever came of it. And then he… broke my trust. He messed my whole life up and then he left without saying goodbye to me. He’s never written me or called. If I ever see him again, I’ll probably punch **him** in the eye.”_

_“Hawk, I’ve never heard you talk like this before.” B.J. met Hawkeye’s gaze and held it. “What did he do that was so awful?”_

_The omega shifted in his cot, curling in on himself. B.J. couldn’t see his face anymore._

_“He raped me.”_

_The words were so quiet but they filled B.J.’s ears like sirens._

_And Hawkeye rolled back over and smiled at him. “But Trapper’s not here, Beej, and you are. I feel safe with you. So you shouldn’t be jealous of that guy. He doesn’t hold a candle to you.”_  
  


_\--_

 

Hawkeye is angry with B.J. He wants to give the alpha the cold shoulder. Hell hath no fury like an omega scorned, and all of that. But the part of him that’s angry at B.J. is at war with the part that’s in love with him. After everything that has happened, Hawkeye doesn’t feel strong enough to hate his best friend. It’s easier to forgive the man, this man who is the father of his child, this man he thought that he would never see again. B.J. Hunnicutt, and B.J. stands for whatever you like. What Hawkeye likes is booze and B.J., and these days he’s not allowed the booze.

 

But after all, B.J. did leave him and Hawkeye can’t resist being flippant when B.J. brings it up, like saying sorry now even matters.

 

“I didn’t even know you were gone, I thought you were in the bathroom.”

 

Charles is trying to teach the band of Chinese musicians how to play classical music. Hawkeye stares at the man and thinks Charles might be as crazy as Hawkeye himself.

 

They sleep in the same tent once more, like nothing happened. Lying awake in the dark, Hawkeye wants to speak, tell B.J. his secret. But B.J. is already asleep.

 

“Charles?” he calls out to his other tent mate.

 

“Pierce,” says Charles in monotone.

 

“Are you asleep?”

 

“Oh, I’m rather hoping I’ve been asleep for the last two years,” says Charles, instead of criticizing the redundant question. He pushes himself up into a sitting position and blinks at Hawkeye through the dark. “Something the matter?”

 

Bless him, Charles is a real pain in the ass. He’s snobby and stuck-up, insanely wealthy and often downright unpleasant. But he’s a friend in spite of it all.

 

“Just thinking,” says Hawkeye. “Worrying.”

 

Silence for a moment. Then Charles says, “Pierce, I never told you this but I admire you. My sister… My sister is an omega. She’s a bit like you. Great sense of humor, independent, headstrong. If anyone tried to keep her from being her own person, I… Well, I don’t know what I’d do. What I’m trying to say is, you’ve been fighting it alone for a long time now. Back home, if you ever need anything…”

 

Hawkeye smiles and closes his eyes. “I love you too, Charles.”

 

The other doctor huffs and lays back down in his cot, turning his back on Hawkeye. “Goodnight, Pierce.”

 

\--

 

It makes sense, throwing this party for the orphans, and for B.J. The problem is, everyone said it was for the orphans and nobody told him they were giving B.J. a surrogate child and a birthday cake. No one told Hawkeye that he would be witness to the warmth in B.J.’s eyes as he reached out to that little girl like she was a lifeline.

 

After what feels like too long, Hawkeye turns and escapes the crowd. Sidney follows him and Hawkeye is both irritated and delighted to see the psychiatrist. He hates feeling weak, like he needs someone checking in on him, but maybe Sidney can explain to him why he can’t stand to be around those kids, around B.J. and that little girl. Why he can’t stand that he’s pregnant, that a child is growing inside of him and he cannot escape from it.

 

“Hi sailor,” says Sidney with a flirtatious smile. Just because Hawkeye is his patient doesn’t mean they’re not friends, and they’ve always teased and joked with one another, and Hawkeye is grateful that Sidney still treats him like a human being.

 

“Hi. I saw you come in. Does the fact that you’re here mean I’m not all there?”

 

“I heard you took a tank for a spin,” says Sidney.

 

“Everybody was getting shelled on account of that tank and I got rid of it. You call that crazy?”

 

Everyone questions everything that Hawkeye says or does. Hawkeye feels like a small child with the way he is monitored and coddled and protected by everyone around him.

 

“Actually, that might have been the sensible thing to do. But I am curious about why you walked away from that kid just now.”

 

Why does Sidney have to be so good at getting to the heart of things? How did he know that it was the little girl in B.J.’s arms that sent him running? Hawkeye wasn’t even sure of it himself until just now.

 

“Yeah, well, maybe you got me there.” Hawkeye shuffles along, hiding from the sun beneath his cowboy hat. He considers Sidney’s question. “I was looking at her and all of a sudden noticed I had a collection of butterflies loose in my stomach.” Or a fetus, he thinks. “Being around little kids makes me uncomfortable these days.”

 

“Well, I guess that’s something we have to work on.”

 

Hawkeye hums in agreement. It does seem to be an issue he should resolve, for the sake of convenience.

 

“What else have you been going through?”

 

“Yesterday I spent a year in the operating room,” says Hawkeye. “I was up to my ankles in panic.” He sighs. “I’m a little out of control, Sidney. Surgery used to be like falling off a log. Now it’s more like falling off a cliff.”

 

“You know, just because you’re a doctor doesn’t mean you’re supposed to be perfect,” Sidney says. “Your patients aren’t. They have pain, they’re afraid. Actually, they’re probably better off if you know how they feel. Might make being a surgeon a little harder but it might make you a better doctor.”

 

Hawkeye isn’t convinced and it must show on his face.

 

“Well, that’s something to think about,” says Sidney.

 

“I can’t sleep,” Hawkeye moans.

 

“Well, then you should take something,” the other man says.

 

“No,” says Hawkeye, “if I sleep, I talk. If I don’t talk, I think. I think too fast. If I could just slow down my thinking. I just think too fast, that’s all. I don’t think we have to make a big deal out of this, you know? So I think too fast, I’m pregnant and I’m afraid of children. That’s not terrible.”

 

Sidney laughs.

 

\--

 

The camp has burned to the ground, overwhelmed by the forest fire. Hawkeye feels barren and burned out, looking at this place that has been his home away from home. The baby is pressing against his insides, reminding its mother that it is still alive.

 

He stands in surgery and listens to the death toll. But the war is over, even if the stream of incoming wounded is not, and Hawkeye and his progeny have likely escaped being added to the long list of casualties.

 

Everyone is thinking about what they’re looking forward to when they get home. Hawkeye has his hands in a boy’s guts, pulling out shrapnel, and he thinks about bananas and chocolate cake, and how he hopes this all wraps up soon because now he really wants bananas and chocolate.

 

The bologna sandwich B.J. offers him is a poor substitute.

 

B.J. won’t say goodbye to him.

 

Hawkeye hurts, inside and out.

 

The wounded keep coming. Hawkeye operates on a young girl, his hands shaking the entire time.

 

He remembers that he can fix people. He remembers that he’s strong enough to bring another life into this world.

 

In the quietude of peace, he feels his baby shift inside of him.

 

\--

 

_Hunnicutt’s large, heavy body could have pinned Hawkeye down. Instead, the other man’s touch on Hawkeye’s skin was light as a feather. B.J. whispered in Hawkeye’s ear, crooning to him, soothing his fears._

_It was nothing_ _like Trapper, that heated, frantic violation that took mere moments and felt like an eternity. It’s nothing like the casual liaisons in the supply tent, the soft and pliable nurses, the occasional amorous enlisted man. Hawkeye had nothing to compare it to, because nothing like it had happened before._

_B.J. took his time and Hawkeye felt so much pleasure, he thought his heart might push out of his chest. The alpha moved inside of his eager body and Hawkeye was content. He gripped his mate’s shoulders with clammy hands and smiled, his love for the man radiating from his face._

_No one had ever made his body feel like that. He’d never been so sated, so filled up._

_If only he could keep B.J. Maybe he’d be happy for the rest of his life._

_\--_

“Look, I know how tough it is for you to say goodbye so I’ll say it. Maybe you’re right. Maybe we will see each other again. But just in case we don’t, I want you to know how much you’ve meant to me. I’ll never be able to shake you.”

 

Unspoken, the words, “you’re the father of my child.”

 

Maybe B.J. will never know, Hawkeye muses to himself as he watches the yellow motorcycle until it’s gone from sight. He doubts he’ll see that man again, honestly. But for a moment, he daydreams about that yellow motorcycle coming up the driveway at his childhood home in Maine, and of B.J. standing in the yard, smiling as if to say that he could never have stayed away.

 

His arms encircle his body and the babe inside him, holding both himself and his child as though to ward away the harshness of reality.

 

\--

 

_They were both drunk off their asses when Radar finally got Captains Hunnicutt and Pierce back to their outfit at the MASH 4077 th. Hawkeye and B.J. were fountains of laughter, delighting in each other’s presence so much that Radar felt like an intruder on their camaraderie. _

_They rejoiced in having found one another, as though they had known all of their lives that they had been waiting for this moment._

_Later, they vomited and showered and drank water to fight off headaches, but they looked at one another from opposite sides of the tent and they smiled._

END


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